Go Fred Go!

If Elected, I Will Have The Hottest First Lady In U.S. History

(from the ONION, this is great! - Marc)

By Sen. Fred Thompson
Presidential Candidate
October 17, 2007

My fellow Americans, in the coming presidential election, the voters of this nation will plot a course for the future. There are many candidates, each of whom brings a different vision of that future. But only one has the conviction and strength to lead this great country. Only one is a popular television and film actor ready to face the challenges of the 21st century head-on. And, most importantly, there is only one candidate with a bombshell trophy wife nearly a quarter-century younger than himself.

I urge each and every one of you to run a Google image search and see the evidence for yourself: photo after photo of a tall but wrinkled and sagging 64-year-old man—that's me—standing at various gala events, his arm wrapped around a stunning woman with glowing orange skin and beautiful platinum- highlighted hair. A bold woman, squeezed into a dress with a plunging neckline so low her enormous breasts seem almost ready to leap out and scream, "Hey world—look at us! We are married to a famous man we saw in Die Hard 2 when we were in college!"

That's her, ladies and gentlemen. That's my wife. Yes, we are actually married.

If elected, I pledge that same woman—who is a full six years younger than my eldest son—will be by my side at all state dinners, dressed to the nines, causing the Chinese delegation's jaws to drop in amazement at her gravity-defying rack.

This is my solemn vow to all Americans.

I am aware of the critics who doubt my ability to deliver on this promise. "What about Jackie Kennedy?" they ask. "Wasn't she a hotter first lady?" If all America cares about is hotness from the neck up, then yes. Though Jackie looked good in a pillbox hat, she never possessed that I-have-obvious-father-issues sort of hotness the people of this country appreciate so deeply. Go on, close your eyes and try picturing Jackie Kennedy on the cover of some magazine spilling out of a bikini. You can't do it, can you? Now try the same mental experiment with Mrs. Fred. The results speak for themselves.

I say America deserves hotter.

I am a man of simple conservative values, values I learned sitting around the kitchen table with my grandfather. It was there, at the age of 9, that he told me, "Boy, one day, you will find true love with a woman who will be born in about 15 years. Promise Jesus that when you marry her in your late 50s you will be true."

I intend to honor that promise.

In my many years in Hollywood and Washington, I've been with country-western singers, actresses, and models. America, I even once saw Nicole Kidman's bush when I accidentally walked into her trailer on the set of Days of Thunder, in which I played the role of Big John. But despite it all, I've grown to value and cherish my wife more than any starfucker I've ever known.

Because my wife is so much more than just a sweet slice, sweet though she may be. She is a mother who has given me two beautiful children, whom I adore, even if they do get confused sometimes and call me "Grandpa." But I know that in the Thompson household, when I ask the question, "Who's your daddy?" there is always one person I can rely on to scream out my name. This is my guarantee to you, the voters.

If you elect me as your next president, you will see this woman on TV nearly every day, jogging around the Rose Garden in tight Lycra shorts, bouncing all over the place with a figure that Americans of every stripe—from surgeons to truckers—will want to nail. Yours will be a first lady who is not only hot enough to appear in Playboy, but who might actually be willing to appear in Playboy. And if you choose me to be your next president, that is exactly what she'll do, in the November 2012 issue, guaranteeing me a second term once the public gets a good look at those truly incredible bazongas.

Thank you, and God bless America.

He wants last laugh against Clinton bid

Businessman from Texas targets candidate through Web site humor

By RICHARD S. DUNHAM
Copyright 2007 Houston Chronicle

DALLAS — When Hillary Clinton complains about the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy, she's talking about people like Texas businessman Richard H. Collins.

Collins, a community newspaper publisher and online education entrepreneur from Dallas, has raised millions of dollars over the past three decades for Republicans such as conservative icon Jesse Helms to establishment favorite Kay Bailey Hutchison.

The charismatic heir to a family real estate and insurance fortune is a longtime donor to the Media Research Center, a Virginia-based group that documents what it sees as liberal bias in the news media. He counts GOP uberstrategist Karl Rove among his friends.

"The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy is alive and well and flourishing in Red State America," boasts Collins, "and I'm glad to be a part of it."

Such Texas-sized bravado may serve Collins well in his latest political venture: a Web site designed to defeat the person that many on the right consider the most dangerous liberal in America, Democratic presidential front-runner Hillary Clinton.

The site, called StopHerNow.com, describes the New York senator as "a confirmed left-wing radical" and "experienced political chameleon" who is attempting "a massive makeover campaign" to appear "mainstream."

That's the kind of blow-torch rhetoric conservative groups have used in recent elections to make Massachusetts rapist Willie Horton a household name and to sully 2004 Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry's Vietnam War record. But Collins' group is offering more than the same old smash-mouth politics.

At a time when more young people get their political news from satirists such as Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert than from network anchors, Collins is betting that humor will be a potent weapon against the Democratic presidential front-runner.

"While there is a place for negative advertising, we've heard so much of it that we're almost immune to name-calling," Collins said. "But we're always eager to hear a new joke. Humor can be an effective political tool."

In an election that Collins expects to be tough and close, he's hoping to turn the tide against Hillary Clinton one joke at a time. There are limits, though.

"No profanity," he said. "Chelsea is off-limits. No gay-bashing. And Bill's womanizing is OK, but we don't name names unless they're public knowledge."

Collins, a fourth-generation Texas political activist, is the great-grandson of a state senator, the nephew of a congressman, and the son of the first woman ever elected to the Dallas City Council. To launch his project, he's anted up $400,000 in seed money, but he hopes to raise up to $4 million in outside donations.

The Dallas businessman has company on the anti-Hillary bandwagon.

Citizens United, run by the creator of the 1988 "Willie Horton" ads against Democrat Michael Dukakis, is preparing a documentary on Clinton. The Hillary Clinton Accountability Project has taken the Clintons to court on behalf of an estranged Clinton fundraiser. On the Web, AgainstHillary.com spews anti-Clinton vitriol, and more than 563,000 people have joined Facebook's "Stop Hillary Clinton" group.

Amid hundreds of incoming verbal missiles from critics on the right and left, the Clinton campaign has launched its own "Fact Hub," to present her side of the story.

Democratic activists are convinced that the anti-Hillary zealots will create more sympathy than antipathy for the target of their venom.

"She doesn't fit the stereotype of the unreasonable, radical woman that these Swift Boat types have created," said former Texas Land Commissioner Garry Mauro, a Clinton friend for 35 years. "The reality is that their spending money has become a plus for her campaign."

Undaunted by Democratic darts, Collins and his merry band of Hillary hunters is convinced that their made-in-Texas site will avoid a sympathy backlash simply by being funny.

"Everybody loves a good villain," said Collins associate Kameron Bell, a baby-faced, 25-year-old Texas A&M graduate with short blond hair and a wicked sense of humor.

But Bell knows she has to be careful as she tries to transform the former first lady into a modern-day Lady Macbeth.

"It's easy to be mean," Bell said. "It's hard to be funny. It's even harder to be funny and clever."

StopHerNow tries to be funny by using stylized, Jetsons-like cartoons to make its political points.

Its centerpiece is "The Hillary Show," featuring Clinton as an acerbic talk show host with screaming sidekick Howard Dean. The "Target Room" includes current political foes including former North Carolina Sen. John Edwards.

"Nice hair, pretty boy," the faux Hillary declares.

For Thanksgiving, StopHerNow.com has added an interactive video game dubbed "Whack a Turkey." Players score points each time a Pilgrim-suited Hillary wields a mallet to bonk celebrity turkeys on the head. Guest turkeys include Democratic rivals Barack Obama and Edwards, Republican hopefuls Rudy Giuliani and Fred Thompson, President Bush and — for twice the points — Bill Clinton himself.

Collins acknowledges that some Republicans remain skeptical of his approach.

A few, he says, don't understand the satirical humor. Some feel that Republicans need a positive vision for 2008 and not just negative campaigning.

And still others fret that attempts to ridicule Clinton will further energize fired-up Democrats.

The defiant Dallasite doesn't buy any of it.

"Hillary has used the woman-as-victim routine throughout her career," he said. "She claims she's a woman. We say she's the front-runner, no different than anyone else."

Find your candidate

According to this site, I need to be keeping my eye on Tom Tancredo, Tommy Thompson, John Cox, Duncan Hunter, Mitt Romney, and Fred Thompson.

Fred Thompson web site

Fred in '08!

Fred, I hope you can be the kind of conservative that we need. I don't know why the liberals don't like George W, he's been closer to the left the past three years than he has been to the right. George is far too middle of the road for my tastes. We need another Ronald Reagan, the greatest president in the past 75 years! - Marc

Here's the e-mail I got after I signed up on the Fred08 site -

Thank you for registering as a Friend of Fred. We’re in this race to win it, but I’m going to need your help. We’re using the Internet to reach out to people online, but we also need to reach friends and neighbors who may not be connected. We’ll be making a lot of calls, knocking on a lot of doors, and telling family, friends and neighbors that there is another, better way. Please take a moment to invite your friends to learn about our vision of strength, unity, and prosperity for America. You can help us bring to our fellow Americans our message of change and a call to return to the principles of our founding heritage. It’s critical that we address our nation’s challenges through the core ideals of self-governance, free markets, and the rule of law. I believe there is a real sense across our country that we’re tired of the same old petty politics. Our fellow Americans want to see some real change. They want it in Washington, and they want it closer to home. They want a better future for themselves and for their families. We can do it. Thank you again for your encouragement and support. P.S. Keep checking http://www.Fred08.com/ for updates and ways get involved.

Inside Fred Thompson's head

Candidate's views appear to have grown more conservative over time

A review of Thompson's record and public statements reveals him to be a small-government conservative who has moved rhetorically rightward on social issues. He also positions himself as a defense hawk, believes Americans are safer when armed and thinks the growing alarm about global warming is, well, a little silly.

Read entire article here!

Thompson enters presidential race, vows to invigorate GOP

DES MOINES, Iowa — Fred Thompson officially entered a wide-open Republican presidential race today, vowing to invigorate a dispirited GOP and promising to thwart another Clinton from capturing the presidency.

The former Tennessee senator harkened to the GOP glory days of 1994 when he and other Republicans seized control of Congress and established an equal counterpoint to Democrat Bill Clinton in the White House. Now an official candidate for the Republican nomination, Thompson promised to return the party to better times.

"In 1992, we were down after a Clinton victory," Thompson said in a 15-minute Webcast that laid out the rationale for the candidacy he also declared on "The Tonight Show" with Jay Leno.

"In 1994, our conservative principles led us to a comeback and majority control of the Congress. Now, you don't want to have to come back from another Clinton victory. Our country needs us to win next year, and I am ready to lead that effort," he said.

Thompson also swiped at his leading Republican rivals, Rudy Giuliani and Mitt Romney, without naming them, saying: "In 1994, when I first ran, I advocated the same commonsense conservative positions that I hold today."

Thirteen years ago, Giuliani was a New York mayor who espoused liberal-to-moderate positions on social issues and endorsed Democratic Gov. Mario Cuomo. Romney was a moderate challenging Sen. Edward M. Kennedy in liberal Massachusetts.

Today, some conservatives question Giuliani's and Romney's credentials — and Thompson sees an opening for his candidacy.

Thompson, 65, enters an extraordinarily fluid race four months before voting begins. While Giuliani leads in national polls, Romney maintains an edge in the early voting states of Iowa and New Hampshire.

Overall, Republican voters have expressed less satisfaction with their choices than Democrats, and Thompson, who ranks strongly in GOP surveys, is maneuvering to become the favorite of a GOP base that is searching for someone with right-flank bona fides who can win in a general election.

His quest won't be easy.

As he prepared to join the campaign, Thompson was plagued by lackluster fundraising; high-profile staff departures, including some prompted by the deep involvement in the campaign by his wife, Jeri; and less-than-stellar performances at campaign events. He also has endured repeated questions about his career as a lobbyist, his thin Senate record and his record on abortion.

Going forward, he faces not only finance and organization hurdles but also the challenge of living up to his supporters' sky-high expectations. They have painted him as the second coming of Ronald Reagan and the would-be savior of a Republican Party demoralized after electoral losses last year at all levels of government.

After months of playing coy, the veteran actor launched his candidacy Hollywood style and with a multiphase campaign roll out. He confirmed his bid to Leno in Los Angeles — "I'm running for president of the United States" — while his eight rivals gathered in New Hampshire to debate without him. Then, he released the online video. A tour of early primary states begins this afternoon in Iowa.

On Leno's show, Thompson called Giuliani, Romney and Arizona Sen. John McCain formidable but added: "I think I will be, too" as he rejected the notion that he was jumping in too late. Poking at his rivals, who have been running since January, he added: "If you can't get your message out in a few months, you're probably not ever going to get it out."

In the online video, Thompson emphasized his longtime adherence to states' rights, limited government and individual liberties. He also countered the perception that he is unwilling to do the hard work necessary to run for office, much less serve as president. "I'm going to give this campaign all that I have to give," he promised.

Thompson also portrayed himself as capable of addressing "grave issues affecting the safety and security of the American people and our economic well being."

On foreign policy and national security, he said: "The specter of weapons of mass destruction in the hands of our worst enemies continues to grow, and still we have yet to really come to terms with the nature and extent of the threat we are facing from radical Islamic terrorism."

"Iraq and Afghanistan are current fronts in this war and the world watches as our will is tested," he continued. "We must do everything in our power to achieve success."

On domestic issues, he called for reforming Washington, criticized a politicized Congress and bemoaned "a bureaucratized government that is increasingly unable or unwilling to carry out basic governmental functions, including the fundamental responsibility of securing our borders against illegal immigration and enforcing our laws."

"I do not accept it as a fact of life beyond our power to change that the federal government must go on expanding more, taxing more, and spending more forever," he added.

An actor for decades, Thompson is perhaps best known as the gruff district attorney Arthur Branch on NBC's "Law & Order," and for his roles in more than a dozen movies.

During his 1994-2002 Senate tenure, he was considered a reliably conservative vote. However, he strayed from the party line on a few issues, including advocating for campaign finance reform.

Thompson also spent many years in Washington as a lawyer and lobbyist. He has faced repeated questions about his lobbying work for a family planning group that sought to relax an abortion rule, and for former leftist Haitian leader Jean Bertrand-Aristide.