Thursday, February 02, 2006

American Idol 5 - Austin TX auditions

(Stealing yet again, thanks Sara)

Julian Riano is a dancer. He does the splits, but he's not a good singer.

Paula Goodspeed is our first outright embarrassment of the night. The first thing you notice is that she has braces. Full disclosure: I, too, have braces. People that have braces aren't, you know, total dorks. We can be cool. Unfortunately, Paula Goodspeed is a dork. She really likes Paula Abdul. "I make life-size drawings of Paula," she says. Ryan "I've got HAIR!" Seacrest voiceover: "Brace yourself, Paula." Hilarious pun, guys. She's awful, of course. Simon: "I don't think any artist could sing with that much metal in their mouth. How did she get through the metal detector?" She wasn't a dork, she was kinda freaky, scary.

Simon, stick to what you do best: wearing tight shirts and looking ruddy. Comedy isn't your forte.

Oh, look, zombies have crashed American Idol. Think that was a class project at UT? Pop culture class decides to have a laugh? Get back to your "studies," kids.

Jason Horn is a funeral director. "I consider myself to be a good embalmer," he says. He sings You Raise Me Up by Josh Groban. Well, that's just knee-slapping hilarity. Pretty voice for church or something. Not impressing me. They like him. He's the first one to go to Hollywood. I thought he was OK.

Cierra Johnson sings O Holy Night in high drone. Simon: "For some reason, I thought you were going to be really good." She walks away without saying much because she doesn't want to embarrass herself any more than she already has. Smartest. Contestant. Ever. She was cute too. I was hoping that she could sing. She couldn't.

Allison Schoenig almost died on the flight to Austin. The good news is that she survived. The bad news is that she should have stayed in North Carolina. "Ok, you're laughing, I'll stop," she says. Simon says, "Come back in half an hour." Whatever.

Jeffrey Pollack: "I think I'm the next American Idol because... I don't know... Can I think about it? Hmm." Idiot.

Ricky Hayes is a music major from Bedford, TX. He sings my favorite Bonnie Raitt song, I Can't Make You Love Me.
Paula: "Refreshing!" He's going on to Hollywood. I love that song.

Ashley Jackson is a "fit model," whatever that means. She's from Dallas. "I'm pretty confident,' she says. She seems a little dippy to me. She sings another Bonnie Raitt song, Something to Talk About. She's all right. Simon: "I'm not crazy about your singing, but I think a lot of people would like you." She's going to Hollywood. She won't make it past the next round, trust me. Not so good.

Ronnie Norman. Everyone calls him RJ and he's completely full of himself. He's hitting on all the girls there. "I'm just gonna walk in and be me, and that's what they're gonna love." Kid, seriously, shut up. He has a decent voice. Randy doesn't like it. Simon likes him, Paula likes him. He's going on. I hate him. I liked his voice ok, he was super cocky.

Allison is back. She's still not good. Agreed.

William Makar is 16. He's so fresh faced and Fred Savage-ish. He sings nicely, but I don't think anyone could ever, ever idolize him. Simon "I think mothers would adore you." He's going to Hollywood. He can sing. I can see all the tweenie girls loving him.

Tessie Mae Reid has two braids on her face and she's big and has braces. What do you think her chances are? "Simon's gonna love me," she says. No, honey. No. She's bad. But she's 17, you know? We were all like this at 17. She comes out crying. But of course she would, she's 17! Ewww.

Twelve people made it to Hollywood.
Tubular: AI brings out the weirdos in Austin

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