American Idol 5 - Greensboro NC auditions

OK, I know I will be writing about the American Idol this season but I know I won't be taking notes like this during the mass audition stage of the game. So, I am totally ripping off Sara Cress' blog from the Chronicle. Thank you Sara. My comments are in another color. - Marc

American Idol, episode 3
Jan. 24, 2006

Here we are in sunny...Greensboro?

Yes, American Idol lands in North Carolina. You know what I'd love to see? American Idol landing in Alaska. The blubber jokes alone would fill an hour! Ha! Whales are FAT!

Let's get on with this:

Sabrina Oakley wins lots of karaoke contests, she says. But without the words in front her, she's getting the words all wrong: "Lean on me 'til you're not strong...You don't need somebody to lean on."

Randy: "I'm sure when everyone's had a couple, you sound amazing."

Kellie Pickler (who is already generating a lot of interest on the 'net) is a waitress at Sonic. She lives with her grandfather, who says, "I wouldn't mind having a sandwich," which is usually how I feel about life. Kellie's a hard-luck story: Mom ran off, dad in jail. So when you hear her sing and sing well, you're all right with that. She will be beloved. Yeah, I liked her.

A guy named Shawn brought an exhibit with him about his mission to revive standards. I don't think he realizes that they've already been revived to death. When Rod Stewart beats you to a phenomenon, you're a little late. Even Paul Anka is so over standards that he's singing Nirvana. Shawn would be great in a barbershop quartet. Randy and Simon riff on the poor guy looking like a waiter. Luckily, he's got a great little brother who doesn't care what American Idol thinks, Shawn is the greatest.

Richard Garland is only worth mentioning because he brought a ventriloquist dummy named Scotty. Moving on.

Sergeant Stephen Davis, Jr., is a member of the Air National Guard. He wants Paula to dance with him and she says, "I'm not allowed to." Oh, Paula, forget the rules! Throw caution to the wind! Stephen sings Let's Get It On and, man, does he do it well. Simon and Randy drag Paula out to dance with him. Simon: "Don't get too close." Which one is he talking to? This was kinda fun to watch.

Oh, all the forgettable people! It's becoming a blur! Could we possibly not do two hours of this next week?

My boyfriend, drifting in and out of the room, weighs in: "They should take the most pathetic person on this show and send them to that extreme home makeover show. Perk them up a bit."

Kenneth "Chase" Bush has a nice voice but overpronounces every word. Simon: "I almost imagine you in a dress when you sing." Chase offers to wear one if it means he could go to Hollywood. Chase! Don't stoop to their level! He's going to Hollywood, but I don't see him lasting long.

Chonna Clepper's mother is a stripper who buys Chonna's clothes. Well, "clothes" maybe isn't the right word. She's wearing some sort of pink leopard-print stripper, uh, dress with a sheer black cape. But she's got a really nice voice, so it breaks my heart when they don't send her on, probably because of the outfit. Yeah, she should have been passed on to Hollywood.

Nearing the end of the first hour and I've got a terrible headache. Probably unrelated to American Idol, but if you also had a headache around 7:55 p.m. while watching AI, let me know. Maybe we can sue. I watched the 2nd hour only during commercial breaks on Scrubs.

Next up is Paris Bennett, granddaughter of Ann Nesby. She has a beautiful voice! I adore her. Paula says, "Will you bless us with another song?" She sings Billie Holiday and she's amazing. She just won this whole season. Mark my words. She's the one. I barely got to see her. :-(

Day 2 begins. Randy's wearing those white shoes again. It's Simon's birthday, but I don't care. Do you?

Marcus Behling gets high praise from me for wearing orange, because orange is my favorite color. But when he opens his mouth, this inexplicable sound comes out. He appears to be in a meditative state, mouth agape. And he sort of looks like he needs to pee. He explains that he learned to sing from Randy and Paula's DVD and Simon rejoices. After being rejected, Marcus smashes the DVD with a hammer. That's fair, I think. This was hilarious. Simon really enjoyed it.

Jimmy Crabtree is really depressing and looks like Eminem. He goes to karaoke bars every night of the week. Whoa, he sounds like marble-mouthed Ralph Stanley. Simon: "You have the personality of a hippo when you sing." Does Simon have someone writing these lines?

Sammy Neighbors is certifiable. He says, "I'm so rah." Or was that "raw"? Or "Ra"? It doesn't matter, none of it makes sense. He looks like Rosie O'Donnell. Maybe prettier? Is it wrong for me to say that? He's horrible and knows he's horrible, I suspect he just wanted the opportunity to shake his butt on national television.

Tyra Schwartz's hard-luck story is that she just found out that her boyfriend is cheating on her. Yeah, doesn't really compare with the girl who grew up in foster care and lived in 41 different homes. She's got a lovely voice, though.

Seth Strickland is dressed as Michael Jackson and tries to sing like Michael Jackson. I love the way he fades off, forgets the words and says, "oh crap." This is the first time I've genuinely laughed tonight. Yep, I had to laugh at this too.

So finally, we get to tonight's big payoff: Rhonetta. We've gotten a million teasers of Rhonetta, the crazy girl in the silver tube top, white miniskirt and silver boots. Rhonetta kicking the camera, Rhonetta mooning the camera (did I mention Rhonetta's not wearing underwear?), Rhonetta yelling about how washed-up Paula Abdul is, Rhonetta, Rhonetta, Rhonetta.
I'm really dreading this. I almost want to gouge my eyes out. I want to die. I really want to die. She's not telling them her name, she's a horrible singer, she's rubbing herself, she keeps stopping and starting over. I feel like I'm watching someone's nervous breakdown. The cats are hiding their faces.

Oh, it's over. I'm so glad it's over.
Tubular: Paris Bennett is the next American Idol